Picture Picture On The Wall...

Who's the vainest of them all?

If you've got a job with a desk, cubicle, office or any permanent individual work space, you've probably taken whatever steps towards making it your own. Depending on the strictures of your employer and the general vibe of the office this could be anything from plants, stuffed animals or in more strict environments, simply arranging your stapler, paper clip tray, etc. however you like.

Of course, there's nothing so popular as photographs. They're small, don't take up much space and are generally unobjectionable. Pets, friends and family are the most common choices. After all, there's nothing to remind you of why you spend hours slaving away in this dreary office than little Timmy's smiling face or the eternal grin of Fido who sits patiently in front of the door, waiting for your familiar foosteps.

I'm not much of one for photographs. My desk decoration consists of a plush Cthulhu (if you don't know, don't ask) and a dorky coffee mug that's obviously as much utility as ornamentation. Lisa however has a cat calendar, a print out of some picture from one of those ubiquitous office emails and two photographs pinned up next to her monitor.

The photos have been there for a while and I admit I never paid them much heed. Today however I noticed something odd. One of them is Lisa with her daughter. The other one is just of Lisa herself. That's it, no other friends or family. I'm not sure I've seen too many parents whose self to children ratio in photographs is 2:1.

Dress for Duress

One of the joys of my office is the dress code. More specifically, the general lack of one, though an overall current of professionalism was always underlying this boon. Well, at least for me. Having worked in several shirt-and-tie offices, it's nice to let my neck be caressed by the gentle fingers of air conditioning. I'm not a fan of polo shirts in my day-t0-day existence, but they're a pleasant compromise between collared shirts and tshirts. This is of course balanced by slacks or corduroys if the weather permits.

An additional advantage of this whole situation is there's nobody to tell us what we can't do. I could impose my own 'Hawaiian shirt Tuesdays' if I was so tastelessly inclined. The only thing that I have done is a sort of casual Friday, which for me simply means wearing jeans. Ironically I often balance this out by wearing a button down, but since we're essentially a service industry I like to at least carry off the more young-professional look.

Lisa however hasn't ever been too keen on following the dress code. Sure she's fine most days, but jeans and a sweatshirt on a Tuesday? Not really the attire that inspires trust from your clients. Today however she crossed the line from 'business casual' to 'lazy and horrid'. That's right. You guessed it. The terrycloth tracksuit. Complete with racing stripes down the sides and 'Fabulous' written across the chest above a faux coat of arms.

Human Biology Lessons

At some point a couple months ago Lisa informed me that she was starting to go through menopause. (See previous posting entitled TMI MTWTF.) As everyone knows your system goes a bit haywire, including hot flashes and general body temperature fluctuations. I can't say I mind too much. I bring a sweater in case she wants the A/C on despite the outside temperature of about 45 fahrenheit, so no big deal.

A few minutes ago she said to be "see what happens when you get to be my age, first you're cold one minute then you're hot". Does she think that my rather deep voice and manly (if a bit scruffy) beard are some sort of strange quirk? Because last I knew of hot flashes and whatnot were something I wouldn't have to suffer through as a man.

Under Pressure

If I haven't mentioned it so far, Lisa is a BIG lady. She's somewhere close to my weight and around a foot shorter, which sets her up for a veritable swarm of health problems. Several times she's called out because her legs or knees are too swollen to come in. It's the human equivalent of a bridge's supports buckling because of too many heavy trucks filled with frozen tv dinners rumbling overhead, followed by tankers carrying gigantic vats of McDonalds Sweet Tea.

Of course she can't be that heavy without incurring one of the biggest issues for the overweight. (pun intended) Yes folks, the ever alarming high blood pressure. This morning soon after her arrival, mere moments after her chair had stopped creaking and groaning, she informed me that tomorrow she'll be a half hour late coming in, because she'll be going to the doctors to have her blood pressure checked. It seems that they're worried, being alarmists and very concerned that her blood pressure this weekend was 194/150.

Lisa isn't worried though, because that's pretty low for her she says.

Behind In The Times

Does the modern world have more going on to it than it used to? Maybe. Or it could be we just hear more about it due to the news. Regardless, there's a lot of stories out there and it's impossible to be up on them all. Between the sports fiascos, celebrity scandals, political blunders and continual prognostication about the economy fighting for time with swine flu stories in their death throes.

Do I expect Lisa to be up on everything? Certainly not. There's been far too much going on in the world. Yet some issues I would think are so pervasive that you'd at least know the barebones details. Take for example the simple phrase 'fossil fuels'.

To almost anyone those two words evoke a whole range of news stories; global warming, melting polar ice caps, impending world doom, or the simple argument that it's all complete garbage, simply a cycle of warming and cooling the world goes through.

Or you could be like Lisa who upon seeing a headline regarding fossil fuels said "are those the ones made from dinosaurs". I of course indicated the affirmative to which she responded, "so why are those bad?"

Double Feature!

It's always a lovely morning when you get two heavy hits of brain-melting stupidity first thing.

Lisa said this morning that she hates slang, yet called one of her friends "boo" on the cellphone. Apparently if she says it, it's a real word?

Lots of people get saddled with unfortunate childhood nicknames. Shorty. Tubby. Skippy. The list goes on and on, but at some point a little part of the brain kicks in and goes "hey, it's going to be pretty ridiculous going into a job interview and saying 'yes, I'm Dave, but everyone calls me Speedy McGee'." So the holder of the moniker simply asks/insists that people cease and desist.

At some point Lisa received the nickname 'Peaches'. Whatever that part of the brain which recognizes absolute ridiculousness is, it's obviously underdeveloped in her. How do I know? Well other than every other post on this blog, she still has people calling her 'Peaches'. Not just family and close friends either.

Fast Fasting

Ahh fasting, one of the classic ways of demonstrating devotion and piety (and getting woozy and lightheaded enough to maybe hallucinate a bit). Lisa is a fan of fasting, though she's not very good at it. Today she plans to fast for a few hours in the afternoon. Of course first she went out to subway to get a sandwich so that way she won't be too hungry while she fasts....